2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back…

Once you hear those dreaded 3 words… “you have cancer”.. I think it’s fairly common to live in its shadow for life. For a mets survivor, it’s that much worse.. just my opinion. After being diagnosed the first time in 1996, it took me a long time to move forward enough to not think about the possibility of recurrence everyday. When the worst happened in 2016, and you hear those 4 words, “the cancer is back”, it hit me so crazy hard. It had been 20 years, so I wasn’t thinking about it. I had put it on a high shelf.

My expiration date is January 27, 2018. Since the the beginning of November, I felt heavy…kinda like some creepy kid-like thing from a horror movie has taken up residence and was clinging around my shoulders and back. Maybe if I turned around fast enough, I could see a glimpse of it in the mirror. My stance embodied how I felt… I was hunched and shuffling from emotional and physical pain. When someone would look at me, I was sure it was because that creature with a big C was visible for anyone who cared to look.

December started bad, but got better and Christmas turned out amazing!! For the most part, the weight had lifted; that nasty, embodied ‘C’ got lighter and much less noticeable. The pain was even better… I was optimistic. The complications that had been going on for weeks seemed to be easier to deal with.

3 days ago, I woke up and the right side of my jaw area was super tender. I attributed it to dropping the phone on my face in the middle of the night. Yeah, I’m one of them haha. Over the course of that day/night, I noticed 2 lymph nodes had gotten very firm and a golf ball sized mass had developed under my jaw on the right side. Then last night my gums started bleeding on the right side. I don’t know if any of its connected, but I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to get it looked at. I’m hoping for antibiotics to shrink the mass, but I won’t be a surprised if a biopsy is done.

I know, 2 steps forward, 1 step back is a cha cha, not a disaster. Well, ya know what? I’m sick of this dance. I really want to hang up those shoes and sit this one out for the rest of my life!